oh ovaries.

When I am experiencing negative emotions, I like to vent. However, venting vocally, just doesn't always work out the way I want it. That's why, a lot of the time, I'll write. With writing, you can think out what exactly it is you are trying to express.

Or maybe it's just because I'm a writing major. eh. either way. This is going to be a long one.

So, as it seems, my ovaries hate me. I was diagnosed with bilateral mucinous cystadenoma when I was 16 years old. Which is a fancy word for a type of tumor that developed on both of my ovaries. Not to mention, i have an extremely rare case. See excerpt from surgeon's journal below:

"Bilateral mucinous cystadenoma of the ovary are extremely rare. They are among the largest tumors known. These mostly benign tumors usually manifest between the third and sixth decade of life. Mucinous cystadenomas account for 15% of all ovarian neoplasms and are found bilateral in only 2-3% of cases."

So, basically, I'm a freak of nature.

I thought everything was under control and I've been tumor-free for the past 4 years or so, but after going to the gynecologist today, it was discovered that there was something on my left ovary.

He was doing his usual, uncomfortable, awkward routine exam, and then i notice him checking my left side a lot and feeling around and making this "hmm..."-like face. And then I noticed it hurt when he'd be fiddling around on my left side and when he'd go to the right, I felt nothing. I immediately got nervous and blurted out "Did you find something?!" And indeed he did. He said it could be an adhesion, from all the surgeries I've had previously, a functional cyst that will go away on its own, or it could be another mucinous cystadenoma.

Adhesion. Not likely. I've been examined before and adhesions are scar tissue, so that sort of thing would have been found awhile ago. Functional cyst? Maybe. But, lets be honest, my ovaries don't seem to like to be normal, and I already had a tumor re-develop once, why not again?

So, I'm waiting to go to an ultrasound appointment 7:45 a.m. on Thursday. I hate ultrasounds. I hate drinking all that water and feeling like my bladder is going to explode and having a technician take her good old time pushing on my already full bladder. Agh.

Its just like a re-occurring nightmare. When i first had my tumors discovered, it was the scariest time in my life.

Imagine going to a doctor because your stomach sticks out a little, her telling you that you're spleen is probably just enlarged and you're fine and then going to an ultrasound and having a technician tell you she can't see any of your organs because there's a giant mass inside of you. Then getting told to go to the hospital immediately, get tons of tests and needles stuck into you. Then find out your doctor thinks your case is so bad he wants to operate on you TOMORROW and have you stay the night. Oh, and have a severe cold, but they want to operate anyway, meanwhile the boy you met in the waiting room can't have surgery because he has a rash, a RASH. Oh and don't forget, it just might be cancer too.

Needless to say, i was freaking out.

But it doesn't even stop there. So, i'm in surgery, and this is my first surgery ever. They wheel me into the operating room, make me slide myself onto the cold steel operating table and finally, put me under. I wake up to hear mumblings of "two cysts" and when i finally gain enough consciousness, i plead with my mom to tell me what's going on and surprise I have one ovary, another cyst inside me and need to have surgery again in 6 weeks.

Then i get sick because I'm allergic to morphine and throw up. I don't suggest throwing up with a foot long incision on your stomach to anyone. Having to use stomach muscles that are held together with stitches isn't pleasant.

The only perk? I didn't have to take gym class the rest of the year. Yay.

And then a year after the second surgery is done and I am cyst-free, another one grows on my only ovary. I have one ovary and a cyst grows on it. All i could think about was if I'd ever be able to have kids. I needed that ovary. So, I have surgery again and they take it out and discover my other ovary regenerated itself, so I had two again. Maybe not two complete ovaries, but they were ovaries. Thank. God.

So, every time I go to the gyno all I think about is what I went through and how I just don't want to worry about my ovaries anymore. If I have another tumor, this will be surgery #4 and thats 4 surgeries too many. I want to be healthy and i want to make little babies someday. Not right now of course, but I want to be pregnant someday. Its honestly something I want more than being successful at my job, having money, or anything else. And I think the fact that my ovaries have been through so much, makes me want it even more. My biggest fear is that will be taken away from me. And if it is, I don't know what I'd do. :(